Good night my someone

I can’t fall asleep. There are most likely a million reason why. Wonder how many I could just list. Let’s try, not like I’m sleeping, lol

  • I’m scared of the new nutrition challenge I start tomorrow
  • I voiced a different opinion than most on FB about a school bond issue
  • I’m feeling lonely in my bed, It’s just me and some stuffed animals cause I am too cheep to buy a body pillow
  • The guy up stairs is very heavy footed and still up
  • I’m feeling lonely in life
  • I’m feeling stuck, I could move school districts but my kid can’t deal with change already so…..moving would just bring on more long term problems than the expense of moving would justify.
  • I have a crush, same guy for the past 4 years and welp everything pretty much points to him being “just not in to me”
  • I’m scared about where things will go, how life will turn out, what tomorrow may bring, (basically an anxiety over load)

Ok I think that is the gist of it.But really back to the title and reason I started this post now. I can’t sleep. This happens a lot actually. And the biggest reason I end up not sleeping is cause I get focused on being alone.

I don’t think I was meant to be alone for so long. My ex is remarried. In fact he and his wife met, dated, were engaged, got married and got pregnant all before their 1 year anniversary. And here I am lucky if I can find a date and RARELY do i make it to a second date and in the past 9 years I think I have had one relationship last for about a month. Oddly enough the guy ended it and I didn’t have to self sabotage.

I joke that I’m un-datable. I’m beginning to think it is true. And that makes me cry. I cry at therapy about it too. So many tell you that you don’t need a man etc. but i have one of those souls that does. I was not built to be alone and now that I am and have been for a LONG time, I feel the hole in my heart more and more everyday.

I’m the person that at the end of the day I want nothing more than to come home, deal with life and then cuddle up in the arms of someone I love just so I can feel safe and secure. That is when I sleep best.

So good night my someone. I hope you find me soon. I miss being in a bed feeling safe and secure and not having to worry. Til then more sleepless night.

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