I think the lost of value in myself comes from the clear differences between me and my family. My sister is much like my parents. They all are content sitting quietly and reading. They prefer numbers and logical problem solving.
I however, give anything to spend time running, playing, creating. I solve emotional problems, my ideals focus on people treating people as humans with respect and dignity.
So when I don’t approach things from the “engineer” way, I am criticized, and lectured until I “see” it the right way. Hence why I secretly have more credit card debt then my parents would approve of. Also why I have not been applying myself to my coaching opportunity. My father feels that it is not able to do anything of significance.
The divorce has played a major role as well. I never dated in High School. I was always thinking I was not pretty enough. I felt college was the place to find a husband. But I barely dated there. And then I met the ex. I felt that I had been saved; it was my destiny. But my ex cheated on me. My ex criticized me. I was never home enough or I was home to much. And then he drove 45 min to have sex with another woman who had a child. I was not enough. I was not pretty enough to keep him at home. I was not enough.
Can I be enough? How can I be enough?