Sleepless

I can’t sleep. I have been trying for 3 hours now, but I can’t. My heart hurts. Before my hiatus (got mad at the internet company), i was on a self discovery for self worth, unconditional love, and self value. Tonight I think I have these things and I have had them all along. My self worth and value are seen daily in how I treat people. I am consistently showing kindness, understanding, and love to everyone from my pre schoolers to my friends. I treat people the way I want to be treated. I try to be as upfront and honest as possible. No I’m not perfect. But I try. I define my worth thru the way I treat others.

Tonight I was crushed by my crush. I was treated in a way that brought back the frightened memories of high school and it’s cruelty, the memories of  being betrayed and whispered about and laughed at as the ugly one who had a crush on the wrong boy. I came home enraged and then sadness took over.

Loneliness took over. I don’t like being alone, feeling hopeless. God keeps testing me with this and I suppose he will continue to test me with it until I am content with being alone. I feel I shall be trying to pass this test for eternity as I insist on keeping myself broken.

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