Lately things have gotten better. I had a med change. The best part of that is it got Hannah Baker’s voice from Jay Asher’s Thirteen Reasons Why out of my head. I started to workout more. I drank less and ate better.
And then more stress came. Just like a storm the clouds rolled into today. The tears started falling. All I feel like doing is napping.
Linkin Park’s “Heavy” (https://youtu.be/5dmQ3QWpy1Q) is like Thirteen Reasons Why; it speaks to me. How they are able to get inside my head and understand the pain. I don’t want to be crazy. Yes I make mountains out of mole hills. The panic has become the norm, it feels safer than the unknown. The world lately has seemed like it is out to get me. My ex withholds funds and argues with me. The apartment has mold and a leak that is not repaired even after 2 years. The divorce decree allows the ex to be how he wants.
I see all the posts on FB of people upset when someone has committed suicide and re-posts of hotlines. I understand that people are hurt. I am a caring person myself. I hear those who view suicide as a selfish choice. But as one who hangs on to ONE REASON to be a part of a world that seems like it is consistently pushing me down, it is not. PLEASE understand if my son is taken from this earth before me, I have no reason to continue living. The pressure, stress and pain is not worth it. It is not that I care less about those I love, but I need to be free. Everything is just so heavy. If I could let go then I would be free. And if you love me you will understand. I needed to be free. I couldn’t go on anymore. I was not strong enough to keep dragging along the heaviness of everything. I had to be free and let go.
Listen to the song, you might better understand.