365 days ago

365 days ago I was jolted away by a phone call in the middle of the night. My friend, my supporter, had died in a car accident.

365 days later I still miss you. I still talk to you in my head. You are still the first person I want to call when life is trying to squash me. Lately I have wanted to call you a lot.

Time passes. Sometimes slowly. Other times fast. There are days that often seem to just slip by.

But no mater how much time passes, your smile will never be erased. You will continue to be in my memories. I hope you know how much your guidance and your support meant to me. On the days I feel totally lost I can almost feel you looking down telling me I got this. And on those days I typically see a Cardinal. It’s you, I’m sure of it.

A letter to a crush

Dear crush,

i’ll write this here because there is no point in telling you. Plus really this letter is for me not you. You have added more confusion and heartbreak in my life since 2017 started.

Things seemed like they were going in great directions. Then your birthday, and that ended my infatuation. then I tried the friend thing. I treated you like I treated everyone. That is how I friend. I’m thoughtful, I’m kind, I love and spoil my friends with all my heart. Ya know that whole “think of your fellow man, put a little love your heart and the world will be a better place.” That is what I desire from life a better place. One where I don’t feel like the thumb of the world is trying to squash me like a bug.

Aparently I’m alone in this ideal. You canceled the Muny. Something we have had in the works for months. That hurt me in my core as a person. It destroyed me for a few days. How could someone do that to a friend? How could someone not regularly respond to texts that ask questions? Never mind the fact that I gave you a two week reminder. You chose to wait till I gave you the week reminder. You chose to schedule a show. You did that. And by doing so you made me feel insignificant and worthless. Normally not a huge deal but as those who read this, they know I have a self worth problem. I have trouble self esteem.

So you hurt me more than you may ever know. Since reading thirteen reasons why, I really examine my interactions. Something that may be no big deal to me could be a reason for someone else. A reason to feel hollow, a reason to feel like they don’t belong in the world. So I try to be more conscious of my actions for that reason. I may not be perfect but perhaps I could save one person and make a difference in their life. Thanks for the pain and the hard knocks. I keep getting up but it is slower than it used to be.

Love,

me

Heavy Clouds

Lately things have gotten better. I had a med change. The best part of that is it got Hannah Baker’s voice from Jay Asher’s Thirteen Reasons Why out of my head. I started to workout more. I drank less and ate better.

And then more stress came. Just like a storm the clouds rolled into today. The tears started falling. All I feel like doing is napping.

Linkin Park’s “Heavy” (https://youtu.be/5dmQ3QWpy1Q) is like Thirteen Reasons Why; it speaks to me. How they are able to get inside my head and understand the pain. I don’t want to be crazy. Yes I make mountains out of mole hills. The panic has become the norm, it feels safer than the unknown. The world lately has seemed like it is out to get me. My ex withholds funds and argues with me. The apartment has mold and a leak that is not repaired even after 2 years. The divorce decree allows the ex to be how he wants.

I see all the posts on FB of people upset when someone has committed suicide and re-posts of hotlines. I understand that people are hurt. I am a caring person myself. I hear those who view suicide as a selfish choice. But as one who hangs on to ONE REASON to be a part of  a world that seems like it is consistently pushing me down, it is not. PLEASE understand if my son is taken from this earth before me, I have no reason to continue living. The pressure, stress and pain is not worth it. It is not that I care less about those I love, but I need to be free. Everything is just so heavy. If I could let go then I would be free. And if you love me you will understand. I needed to be free. I couldn’t go on anymore. I was not strong enough to keep dragging along the heaviness of everything. I had to be free and let go.

Listen to the song, you might better understand.

Th1rteen R3asons vs 13 Reasons

I read the book. I watched the Netflix series. I liked both.

At the beginning, I was focusing on how the Netflix series was so different than the book. But then I realized each has their own place. By the end, I could see why we need both in the world.

The book is my favorite. The duel narration was great. Everything happened in one night letting Clay process it as one big picture. Hannah’s narration was something I could relate to. She described my suffering perfectly. It is not just one thing, it is just many little things. Things that add up. Things that slowly take away from your soul. Things that as they add up make you feel empty and a shell of who you are. The book is helpful exposing mental illness in terms of it’s affects that are unseen. Anxiety and depression are not like a cold or a physical disability. It is hard to see how your words and actions can seem innocent at the time but have negative lasting effects. The butterfly effect or chaos theory is in play daily in our world.

The Netflix show is important because honestly today most people will watch something rather than pick up the book. The visuals in the show also allow people to see the feelings/reactions of the characters after hearing they are part of the problem not the solution. It also gives chance to expand upon the social issues in our schools that lead to suicides or school shootings. I think the timing of the show reflects that things are not better. Socially our society focuses not on each other but ourselves and what we are lacking in life (materialistic).

So that is what I think and why I am trying to eliminating my use of sarcasm in the preschool classroom. While my co-teachers my understand, the children will not and that is not ok if I want them to be caring and thoughtful about our classroom and the people in it.

Only

I have poured a glass of wine. I should be in bed. But I’m not. My apartment has mold. My ex is moving to a different county but thinks this won’t affect custody. My son was threatened with a sharp kitchen knife by his stepbrother. The same stepbrother who stabbed his brother in the foot with a screwdriver.

Hannah Baker had 13 reasons that stole her soul. I have one reason to live. Without him I’m lost and if he leaves earth i’m going too. I will have no reason to stay.

Superstar

First time seeing Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar. Was not impressed as much as I thought I’d be. But by act 2 I was crying when Jesus was in the garden begging for it to be different and then accepting what needed to be done.

Damn it! My life is hard and so heavy. But my father is not killing me or telling me I must die at the hands of the people He had been loving. Granted there have been times that I have felt stabbed in the heart by friends but perhaps that is part of the bigger plan. Will the pain justify the end?

Faith before fear? School of hard knocks? Paranoid the world is trying to get me? Part of a bigger plan?

Why me?

i am so fucking pissed right now. So pissed that I am in the bathroom blogging about this.

I get that my crush ended over your birthday weekend. I get that it is probably something I did to make you act the way you did. But regardless I tried to be an awesome friend.

6 months ago I asked you what Muny show you wanted to attend. You picked your favorite. I have told you to put it on your calendar. I reminded you a few times and tonight as Muny starts you fucking text me that you have a show and you won’t make it and your sorry.

Why me? Why do I friend and love and care for those that can’t bother to care? Why me?

Make me wait

Why do they have poor customer service at the therapists office. Seriously let’s not be at our desk and allow the mental patients check in timely. Never mind that there are 2 other old ladies at windows down that are refusing to come and check me in for my Dr. Instead they just look at me.

Suffering

I live to protect you, my flesh, my blood, my angel. I’ve tried before to end the pain. God got one thing right. He sent you. Someone who deserves protection. To learn how to love with all your heart. To learn how to suffer silently as the world keeps beating you down day after day.

I have to go on. To keep you from always being at your father’s. to protect you from the verbal and emotional abuse he gives out. You nailed it when you said he doesn’t come to anything important just birthdays. Cause then he can give a big gift.

But the courts are the devil. The summer days you are gone for weeks at a time; not one week but two are the hardest test to over come. The devil taunts me relentlessly every day and every night.

Tomorrow is my day off. I wish I could be at work to avoid being alone with the devil.

HELLO? Is this thing ON?

I really wonder why I speak sometimes. Mowing the lawn and the ferocious beast has attacked the decorative lattice again. I inform the King of the Castle and he insists that it was old. EXCUSE ME?

Who mows every week? Who pays attention as I mow especially around the lattice since I’m not suppose to ding the boards around it.

Guess it doesn’t matter what I think.