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Day 2 in the books

My arms are sore. I have done decent on my containers. so far commitment is going well.  the magic is suppose to happen while you sleep as well and sleeping……well why does that have to be so damn hard to do.

I know I need to sleep. I know I need to learn to deal with all the stressful shit in my life. But the question still remains How? I have yet to figure it out.

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Mission Commit (Week 1 Day 0)

So I coach for Beachbody and I like it. I’m more a discount coach not really helping people but more like helping myself navigate.

So tomorrow starts the LIIFT 4 coach test group and I am in it. I was in the 80 Day Obsession group but had trouble with my meal plan and missed a few workouts. But this time I need to commit for me!

Here is what I am committing to myself for 8 weeks: 4 workouts a week, 2 recovery workouts, 1 rest day, eating by the containers for everyday except 1 cheat day (but that means a cheat treat).

Now why commit to this? because I need to get back my health. I am happiest when I eat clean, when I workout and when I feel confident. My motivating goal is to get featured in a Beachbody success story, to do that I MUST trust the process and follow the process.

Won’t you be my neighbor on Pandora?

Saturday was a self care day. I went for a massage, and then to the movies. I wanted to see the Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood documentary.  I didn’t cry visible tears but I was moved. During that 1 hour and 34 minutes, I reconfirmed why I love my job and why I do it because just like Mr Rogers I believe that all children need to feel important and talked to about world problems in a way they understand. I was amazed at the Christian message he was getting out thru simple things like inviting the neighborhood policeman (Officer Clemmons) to soak his feet with him on a hot day. Children saw two different skin colors in the same pool and all that was happening was sharing and caring. But then as all timelines more on towards the current timeline, 9/11 happened and PBS asked Mr Rogers to help the children understand. And I saw it in his face, the tiredness and the hopelessness of what did he accomplish over all his years. He reached the children but then the world took them back, it didn’t sustain. It is not sustaining.

Then over Spring break we were in Disney and went to Pandora. We were all amazed and our family had never seen Avatar. So little man and I watched it. I loved the first disk, all the hope, all the accommodation, the learning to be accepted, the connection with nature. Then the second disk, well I lost it. The tears fell and the sobs came, We the humans were destroying something bigger than us a network of a life force. And Why? for money. We had already destroyed Earth so why not take on another planet and it’s people. It was wrong and sad and overwhelming.

I look at the world today and I see this destruction that we pay to see in the movies, happening in real life. We are living it. It is worth it to stay or to just set one’s body free from it all?

Mamma Mia – here I go again

I week ago I fell into old habits. The minute I got romantic attention, I fall apart and get played.

My life is one revolving door – fighting with the ex husband over petty crap (will it really help my little man or am I just making it worse), failed attempts at relationships and one nights of passion. Rinse and Repeat

Where does this leave me?

Jane will I be able to stop this crazy thing?

Am I the insane one because nothing changes despite any hope?

I am left with more questions than answers.

What am I afraid of – taking a chance on me?

Perhaps I need to find a monk?

Unsure

what am I doing?

Where am I going?

how do I see the forest thru the trees?

do I have purpose?

A non productive day. So much I should have done but I couldn’t. They say when God is quite he is working on something big. But I need guidance. If he stays quite I get more lost and confused.

GET OUT OF MY @#$!%^&*!! HEAD

You love this. You are smiling and grining and just fucking happy that you causes this insanity. You don’t know how I’m reacting but you are waiting to see it.

Don’t even try to pretend that you did not plan to send that ridiculous settlement offer at the time you did. 2pm on a Thursday when I get to take our baby for the evening? Really you are hoping that you will see me disheveled.

In co parenting counseling you play the victim and you do it so well. Everyone should feel so sorry for you. And then you try and make me look like the insane, paranoid one for stating the truth about your abuse, for talking about how you got in my head and how you are still there and how you are still tormenting me after 10 years.

I wish you beat me. I wish you broke something. I wish you left marks and scars. I wish you had tried to kill me when I handed you that night you said you were leaving and I told you the only way out of our marriage was to kill me – “til’ death you vowed, you want out of this commitment then…..” I think after saying that I slammed the knife in front of you. It was not my finest moment. It is burned into my brain. the look on your face was pure shock and a glimmer of something else. Were you satisfied? Did you realize in that moment you were in my head and you had a power over me? Or did you realize it when I told you in our nursery that my heart was completely shattered and only you could put the pieces back together?

Hysterics is what you caused today. Uncontrollable crying, sobbing, full on panic. But I can’t take my pill. I can’t be numb around my son. I can’t and I won’t. I draw the line there.

I wish the world no I wish the courts would acknowledge the abuse you are inflicting. I wish they could see the cuts you have stabbed into my brain. I wish they would better understand the effect of emotional abuse. And how do I know that it is abuse, because when you left and I got over that and I was pregnant but you didn’t have to interact with me, I was ok. I was able to deal with the world. And I could do it without medication. And when custody was limited because our baby was an infant, I could survive. Because you never cared about him then. and you don’t care now, you just delight in tormenting me.

To Broken to Escape

The unspoken (till now) goal has been to publish every other day. But then when the mood strikes, I should write. After all if I don’t write what I feel how can I work on breaking thru the clouds that overcome my world?

I’ve been watching the second season of 13 Reasons Why. Now at the beginning of the season, the actors came on and talked about how one might not want to watch it if you are dealing with things along these lines. I don’t know if you would call it self therapy or punishment or maybe just a way to process what happens in my brain.

They recapped a part where the main character, Hannah, says ” and what if it is too broken.” That stopped me for a moment.

What if it is too broken?

What if I will never escape the pain of my divorce?

What if I will never escape the self doubt created from my emotional abuse?

What if after my son grows up and begins his life I am left alone?

Alone for the rest of my life……I’m too broken to escape that.

Label today Pathetic

Sigh, the ups and down of depression makes living like a roller coaster. We can officially label today as pathetic. I have barely done anything useful. And I have eaten like crap.

I will acknowledge that I have noticed this week as I have been home and not on a good eating schedule, the the more crap food I consume the worse I feel. So I should be focusing on my nutrition more so that. I can feel better.

I feel all over the place. I can’t focus. What will next week bring?